Autism Gratitude Project 2012 Day 14 - I am grateful for boundaries. My kids thrive and respond well to boundaries being set. It helps them work out what is expected/required from situations that would otherwise confuse them and see lines being blurred and confusion about exactly what they need to do. They understand that acceptable behaviour at the park, in the back yard and whilst wrestling with their therapists at The Sensory Gym might not be quite the same as what is ok at school, visiting someones house or in church (that one is J specific... See here for a post explaining THAT special interest). It makes all aspects of life so much easier for them (and me) after I say, "These are the rules whilst we are HERE doing THIS." They don't get it 100% right 100% of the time but it is a handy redirection tool when I need it and does in fact work most of the time. It's hard for people with ASD to understand how social situations work and what is expected so we've worked on boundary setting from very early on. I'm so grateful the boys are capable of transferring their understanding of boundaries from one situation to another (with help and support).
I'm grateful for a much more peaceful life because of clear boundaries and expectations....... Well at least in my family life with regards to the boys.........
The rest of my life needs a complete overhaul in this area. I've made myself accessible to many through volunteering for my favourite charity for the last three years. I've extended myself beyond what is simply "acceptable" in many ways and have stretched myself way too thin by not setting clear boundaries around what is OK for people to ask of me and what is perhaps taking advantage or interfering with MY time. It's really nobody's fault but my own. I have the disease to please and an inability to clearly say no. I say yes to things I'm not comfortable doing and end up resenting it. It's so annoying and I constantly kick myself for taking time away from ME and my family because I said yes to something less important to me but more important to someone else. I've made tentative steps in this area at least. I no longer answer my phone to ANY numbers I don't recognise, nor do I give my number out to anyone but "real life friends" as it was not unusual to receive several calls per week from people seeking counselling I am not qualified (or currently strong enough) to give. All charity calls are now directed to the actual charity NOT to me.
Because I've been so open I've created a situation where people have mistaken generosity with my time for a no holds barred ticket to full access into my life. Further to that, I've been relaxed about the boundaries between what is an unspoken line between friendship, fun and frivolity and what is a serious responsibility to an organisation that has elected me to make decisions that may or may NOT be popular sometimes and acting upon them definitely not desirable within the boundaries (or lack thereof) of friendship. I have failed to draw clear lines on many occasions because I don't like to be "bad cop."
The autism world is a minefield of politics. The autism CHARITY world is even more so. In my time in this world of "helping others", I've had my motives questioned by people with no real clue about who I am and what I stand for, I've had several encounters with people who disagree with decisions I've had a part in making about how we move forward as an organisation, I've faced and taken a HELLUVA lot of criticism and I've given so much of my time that I have brought myself to the brink of burnout. I would also like to think though that maybe I've made even a tiny bit of difference to even one person struggling in a similar world to mine. Then the other "stuff" might be worth putting up with (I'm at a crossroads about continuing as a volunteer right now you see).
Over the last few weeks, I've failed to draw clear lines between "business" (charity business) and pleasure (friendship). In the process I became "bad cop." I don't like it. Again though, it's my own fault. I did not delegate bad cop to anyone, I took it on to spare others who would more than likely dislike being the "bad guy" as much as I do. However, because I didn't ask anyone else to carry out the more formal role of managing business in this situation, I don't really know if that's true. Maybe every person available to me in my extensive support network would have happily taken the load on anything I asked if I had in fact asked. I did not set crystal clear boundaries between what is my role as the president of an organisation and what is the daily, natural and relaxed exchange between friends. Because my lines were not painted in black and white in this crazy thing called life, I'm now frustrated by "feelings" being brought into a transaction that if not for friendship being involved would be straight forward with expectations either being met or not met. It's not an isolated incident. I'm a serial offender. There has not been a work/business situation EVER that I've set clear boundaries between being friends, colleagues or adversaries. I constantly make the same mistake and try to be "popular." I distinctly remember managing my family cafe business in my mid twenties and could not bring myself to ask the casual employees to do the bin cleaning duty within their agreed job descriptions because I was mortified for them to have to do such a vile job. I took the "popular and cool down to earth boss" option instead of the managerial responsibility and I cleaned the filthy stinking festering bins myself. Then I went out (after a long hot shower to clean off the stink) with my employees every Friday night for very very social fun filled drinks. Popularity and being "liked" by my employees was more desirable to me than being an effective leader and delegating fairly and properly in relation to the management structure or being clear about what was expected of them in THEIR role for the job they were commissioned to do.
It works. For a while. Then I have to put my "boss" hat on or my "disgruntled employee" hat or even my "client" hat on and deliver what must seem like a blow out of nowhere from a "friend." So again I find myself in a stinking mess of festering rubbish, tricky politics and necessary clean up if I am to resolve either the business relationship and/or the friendship. This brings me to my crossroads in "hanging in there" in charity world knowing that having the top job is not always all that tops (particularly when you have to be the actual bad guy boss however well or not well you try to do it in a friendly fashion under your many confusing hats).....
As I sit here and contemplate how exceedingly well I've managed to teach my children boundaries for every situation they currently need to adhere to them in, I must also contemplate why I allow myself to put short term social "likeability" before long term respect and effective business dealings (whether charitable or not).
What has this got to do with autism? EVERYTHING. An autism diagnosis when it first arrived in my world was all about impaired social development (I thought). I was completely stuck on how terrible I thought it would be to have the wonderful world (to me anyway) of friendship, social acceptance and relationships of all kinds being so confusing or even inaccessible for my kids. There is nothing more valuable to ME than friendship and love. I get now that all that is my own "stuff" and my feelings about friendship being the be all and end all might not be everyone else's idea of what the meaning of life is. I see now that the boys like having friends but may or may not be as socially motivated in their life decisions as me and that's their choice. Whatever floats your own boat and all that jazz.
I do still strive to make my children's reality different to the stereotype of loneliness and isolation within a world of social confusion though so they do have options. I help them set those clear boundaries in all aspects of life and it really seems to be helping them. I just might be the epitome of that old adage that those who can DO and those who can't TEACH. EEEKS!
If I could just learn the lessons I'm trying to pass on and dig my way out of the festering stench of garbage right now I might be better qualified to impart those lessons to the boys as they grow up and I might be able to salvage some of this "waste" into a an improved way of relating made from recycled traditions (like the drinks on Friday nights) and also some new materials like clearer boundaries and expectations.
Not sure how to go about it yet and I need some time to process, assess and regroup before I make any big moves or attempts at doing a clean up on a mess I'm not sure of what the magnitude is yet. I don't have a lot of excess digging strength right now but hopefully soon I'll be calling in the whole clean up crew to give me a hand in the mop up and they accept by grabbing a broom, a mop, a shovel or even a ratty old rag to wipe with.
For my boys at least, I remain grateful for boundaries. I hope to be able to say the same for me by at least NEXT year's Gratitude Project.
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