Autism Gratitude Project 2012 Day 11

Autism Gratitude Project 2012 Day 11 - I am grateful for improved sleep patterns over the last year or so. The boys are so much better regulated after years of sensory integration therapy AND very strict routines around bedtimes. I went approx 3 years without a full night's sleep and my health was shocking (sleep was just one contributor to that).

Pretty much since the diagnosis of J, I battled ill health.  It's common that after a trauma (diagnosis) your body shows physical signs through ill health of what you are experiencing emotionally.  All of my sickness was concentrated around my throat area and whether it's just because I'm a bit of a hippy at heart or because it's true, I don't think it's a coincidence that the area of my body responsible for my voice was most severely affected with health problems.  It's like I was physically choking and literally silenced as I sunk further into losing myself and concentrated only on others.  I had tonsillitis for 4 years.  Yes.  4 years.  I was on antibiotics that entire time which was NOT helping my health in other areas but seemed to keep the bouts of tonsillitis at bay for a week until the next attack. Eventually I had my tonsils taken out and I haven't had a sore throat since.  Around the tonsillectomy I also found a lump in my throat.  That turned out to be, after further investigation, one of several tumours on my thyroid. So adding to my tonsil issue we could now add a Cancer scare to the mix of an already stressed out household (Cancer under control for now BTW).  If you are a regular reader of this blog you will know all about my "misery loves company" period of personal devastation (you'll have to read the link if you have any hope of keeping up).  Misery entered and kept my partner company around the "Cancer scare period."  (Noice).  Because I'm so tired today and not feeling too Zen, peace, love and mung beans in hippy fashion about anything much, I'll allow myself a little snipe about THAT and say, I wonder how "Misery" sleeps these days knowing about the timing of her actions.......?  Anyhoo, in with anger and out with love and all that hippy jazz and some mutterings about forgiveness and getting back to gratitude not ATTITUDE already....  Why am I so tired today if my boys sleep patterns are improved you might ask?


Last night my littlest small was very sick with Asthma and I had my old "normal" of under 3 hours of broken sleep whilst tending to him and supplying Mummy cuddles. Frankly, I don't know how I survived without sleep for so long. It's true. It's a form of torture to be deprived of it. 


So many families don't get any quality sleep in the world of ASD. It's incredibly common for our kids to be bouncing off the walls 24/7 and for parents to be experiencing sleep deprivation for years and years (studies showing living with ASD yields stress rates equal to that of soldiers in combat, physical health becoming very poor, depression rates soaring to being HIGH, divorce rate soaring even HIGHER.... Ummm YOU do the maths and a study around THOSE issues to show how integral RESPITE is for ASD family survival instead of doing pointless "cause" studies about fatty boom bah mummas being the cause of their babies developing autism.....  Now I wasn't hefty until AFTER autism but now I'm thin again due in some part to "the misery loves company period" being partially the motivation to get my thin on, so I should maybe be grateful to "Misery" for that one day too....  Hmmm.....  Not today though, nope, "Misery" if you are reading as you told me when I met you that you do read my blog (that meeting is a whole other blog story, I'll save for another day)....  NOT GRATEFUL TO YOU TODAY, NOT YET....  **Sincere apologies to my beautiful supportive friends who have been coaching me on being peace, love and mung beans about all things in the universe including the "misery loves company period."  I'm calling in my right to slip on the "letting it go thing" today though because I'M SOOOOOOO VERY VERY EXHAUSTED. 


Ironically, "Misery" told me all about her own exhaustion and depression ("Misery" is also an ASD Mum... yes you read that right.... and probably deserves some compassion I guess..... yes, you also read THAT right).  She told me about her depression and exhaustion during our meeting and I think she might have been using it as an excuse for the seeking of company.....  Jesus! (Sorry J and all Christians for using the big guy's name in vain)...  Anyway, JESUS! In this state of sleep deprivation, I couldn't drum up the energy to schlepp down the hall, let alone embark on a deceitful and family destroying adventure of escapism and IMMENSE SELFISH STUPIDITY.  Shit.  Sorry again lovely support network mung bean friends.  I'm done now, I promise.  I'll curb the "Misery" sledging immediately and go do a mung bean approved Zen like activity such as meditation or something, although that might send me to bloody sleep and I don't have time yet until the lads are in bed at their VERY STRICT BEDTIME!  Sob!


I digress in my sleep deprived snitchiness and bitchiness yet I wondered why my stray bloke found some misery filled company if THIS is what I was like without sleep for sooooooo freaking long?  Duh!  Things are back on track now....  Or at least we are very much trying to get "there" wherever "there" is in this crazy little thing called love (and sleep).  The writing was on the wall a loooong time ago that things were headed for a catastrophe to eventually clean up if I'm to be honest though.  Whilst being devastated is totally understandable, I shouldn't have been too surprised if we go back a little way and read about the tenuous state things were in to get where they got last year).  


So anyhoo, today as I sit here very very weary and just a tad grumpy (can you tell?) I can see how much sleep means.


I will never take it for granted again that my boys are (at least for now) very regulated in their sleep patterns. I am so (insert strong expletive here) grateful for usually good sleep patterns. You've NO (insert strong expletive here) IDEA!

I am yawning constantly, full of bitchy sledges, nodding off whilst trying to feign any kind of interest in kids cartoons to nurture the sick small and snapping at EVERYONE today but I'm grateful DAMN IT!  OK?!?!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

This picture was chosen especially for my dear friend....  "Betty"